Sunday, October 5, 2014

…Of self discovery.. self realization and some…!!!!!

“At the bottom of her heart, however, she was waiting for something to happen. Like shipwrecked sailors, she turned despairing eyes upon the solitude of her life, seeking afar off some white sail in the mists of the horizon. She did not know what this chance would be, what wind would bring it her, towards what shore it would drive her, if it would be a shallop or a three-decker, laden with anguish or full of bliss to the portholes. But each morning, as she awoke, she hoped it would come that day; she listened to every sound, sprang up with a start, wondered that it did not come; then at sunset, always more saddened, she longed for the morrow.”
― Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary

It has been a long phase of hibernation … a long break from giving words to thoughts.. a real long break where I kept myself away from something that always made me feel liberated..made me experience freedom.. and all such beautiful emotions.. somewhere in the monotony of a quiet life…I left a part of my soul behind..until today when I realized… I need to be… I need to get back.. not because I always created some magic through my scribbling here… not because it changed anything or anyone… but just because of the fact that… this space was always there… unchanged.. and that was indeed something!

All this while.. there was this emptiness.. this void.. that filled up mind .. and as hours slipped by and as I was spending more time with myself than ever before.. came this phase of self discovery and understanding of who I was.. have been… and who I want to be. The beginning para which is an extract from Gustave Flaubert’s much appreciated book ‘Madame Bovary’ kind of shook me up and awakened my soul. And yes here I am.. back to what I love doing the most…

There have been a handful of songs that have been on mind ever since I visited this space last.. there were umpteen drafts that were written and never saw light.. but this one song from the Malayalam movie ‘Kalimannu’ is that one track on mind right now.. one song that beautifully depicts the self discovery phase of a woman’s life. I have enjoyed every bit of the movie.. and the kind of strength and conviction a woman had to bear the child of her husband who was never to return to life..moved me beyond words.  How she found that one ray of hope amidst the ashes and how when no new sun rose in the horizon she brought her own sunshine …

To be the woman you are.. all what you have been.. and to be able to accept it as a whole.. never be ashamed of her desires..her dreams and her weaknesses..and her magical illusions.. to love life beyond and after ..and experience the fullness and meaning of womanhood.. the most beautiful part of being a woman.. bringing a life to this world.. that’s what ‘Meera’ taught me .. ‘ Kalimannu’ indeed is a celebration of motherhood … a bliss greater than any happiness.

‘ Salabham aayi’ is much more than a song.. it is indeed the journey of a woman’s life summed up in a soulful and amazing way. O N V Kurup Sir’s magic is visible in each word and this song is one track which created a lot of respect in me for the music composer that is Sri M. Jayachandran. Shreya is by all means God’s chosen one. Music is there in her very existence.

It happens so often in life we reach this phase of self discovery..of self realization and understanding of our purpose much more than ever before. When we muster the courage to stand up for what we feel is right.. and when we learn to lean upon self! I have always felt that love is the strongest of all emotions and the weakest of all too at times. We indeed lose ourselves in the things we love.. but we find ourselves there too. It can’t be more true. Even when the coldness of the night begins to engulf your soul and even when the flames have died down..  love has this thing in its soul, this fiery glow that leads us to unfamiliar lands.. of new dreams and of an unfamiliar existence.. scary and desirable at the same time..and not the smothering routine of an ordinary existence. The song unbelievably captures the very soul of the movie and conveys the purest form of passion and companionship.. and  manages to uplift my soul each time I listen to this..

I wish this strength for all the amazing souls who have changed life through ways big and small.. who have always believed and stood by .. who never listened to judge.. never listened to reply.. but to understand! No matter how hard the wind blows at times.. a clear day’s warmth will always bring you back to life! True that if one always looked at the skies, one would end up having wings. Flaubert, I have never been more convinced than this.

'' When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. they wanted her to change back into what she had always been. But she had wings!''

PS: This post goes out for the ones who convinced me that I still have words left in me.. to share with the world. You all are magic in my life!